2005-03-26 - 8:22 p.m.
It's better to keep at it
then to be bomb-lasted
Better to begin over again
then give in to you.
I know you'd rather never see my face around
I know I fit and play the role
of the biggest fool in this whole town
well, fuck it.
I'm not stopping my shit
stopping in my tracks.
Hell no. I'm going nowhere ever.
I'm gonna haunt the nucleus of this town
show up at every good show
I don't care if we don't speak
I can take sitting alone.
Because I am there for the music
not the social glisten.
I am shooting for the stars
and that's why I'm damn good at listening.
To every lyric this city sends out.
Every nuance and urban-mythologicized romance.
I know your stories better than you think.
I keep my ear to the ground just digitally.
So nod your head side to side if my rhymes are stupid to you.
Shake your heads try putting me to shame.
It's been like this for almost a decade now.
Little sister gets in but never comes out clean.
My mouth is misery unkempt
it speaks without my head thinking.
I make the boys feel so awkward.
And still offer the loudest applause.
Because I refuse to be put off.
I'm willing to wait you out.
Out of your habit of ignoring me.
I have to corner you like prey to even get you to speak.
Well, fuck it.
I'm doing any thing that it takes.
I will not quit until respect for me is gained.
Laugh as you may as you want to
but I have substance like an atom split from you.
So I'll continue this cocoon
These shows where no one says "We'll see you soon".
I am not mad but certainly I am owed one god damn giant apology.
For all the years you've looked the other way.
Refused to help a hungry dreamer touch a stage.
Collaborate. Condition.
My path is slow and stronger each day in remission.
I'm not a fool anymore. I am an architect of silent revery.
I am a collector of things appreciable.
A music connoisseur and yet treated like a whore.
She who can look but never touch. I don't want to step forward and be seen with her.
Todd's the only real man in this town. He knows his origins must be humbled.
He does not avert his eyes when I walk past.
He send replies when I might ask.
He is a king in a courtyard community of jesters judging.
I'm waiting for the next man to emerge.
Who will be the next man to step forth?
To speak to me and not make it public discourse?
If you're so fucking sick of the same shit
how about this for a second verse.
Write about some people you left out.
The ones face against pressed glass in crowds.
I'm am an outcast enemy.
I have not acted perfectly.
My craziness has long since been outgrown.
Where are the men who verbally take notice of this.
I want my slate wiped clean by you, the creek who saddled up the dirt.
No other person has ever been so gangly- ignored.
You are so cold in the way you turn from me.
Don't pretend you don't notice none of you come up to me.
I am a freak of nature? Fine.
Where are the men human enough to nurse the meantime.
It's lonely being so forever left out.
Well, fuck it. I'm not stopping till you make room in your crowd.
I am a face worth seeing.
I am a mind worth your fucking inquiries.
Are you too shallow to let me redeem
what can be salvaged of my destroyed dignity.
Come on boys, all together now. You owe a bitch another round of applause
for not giving up on my dreams.
I'm sure a team of peer musicians would have made it a hell-of-a-lot easier.
But I'm still here. No I didn't die.
Who besides Todd is going to look me in the eye.
Grow up. Grow up. I deserve it.
If not after me saying this, then you are all more cruel than I think.
I know the Cath-o-licks have heard of forgiveness.
Nows where's the first voice, huh? You'll have to speak up.
Lighten my load. Approach me. Exclusion is such a dirty, dirty, deed.
It's not my fault you've never been
the one left out from everything.
It's time to expand your empathy.
It takes a strong soul to not just quit.
I won't go away.
I'll come to every good show.
Until I'm more than whispers out a blood-stained window.
Treat me right. Treat me well. Stop the exclusion. Enough is enough.
God damn you better come through for me.
This plea is already so humiliating.
It's obviously important to me.
Do something for someone else.
I share the same hometown.
Let me begin anew. Wipe my slate clean. Stand up for me.
It'll spread like wildfire I'm promising.
Just takes one man in a position of fame
to shake my hand without looking and acting ashamed.
Let me shine on I'm a crazy diamond.
You have been rough enough.
I've sat alone since 94.
C'mon now have some compassion. This shutout sucks for one woman to take
all on her own. And besides all I've ever wanted is for my brother to see his old friends proud of me.
Do it for him if not for me.
Make my life easy once.
Invite me to anything at all.
Smile when I walk in. Break from the herd of cows
you all become. The wall of protection that I can't penetrate.
You can imagine the patience it's taken to wait and wait and wait and wait
this long to finally say this.
Who's gonna be the bigger man. I am a student trying.
I am still trying to impress you.
I have only wanted to be included. Damn, is that too much too ask?
It really can't be, can it?
